


If It Makes You Less Sad

by witchboyway



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Based on a Brand New Song, Emotional Hurt, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt Simon Snow, Hurt/Comfort, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Mild Smut, Nightmares, Simon Deserved Better, Slow Burn, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-13 16:47:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14116659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchboyway/pseuds/witchboyway
Summary: Simon and Baz were doomed from the start. That was for certain, but Simon becomes weak and vulnerable after Baz cast a temporary curse on him. The visions that Simon witnesses causing him to have vivid and terrifying nightmares. This leaves Baz feeling guilty and restless.The pain and suffering that follows changes Baz in ways he never thought possible. The inevitable is yet to come and Baz is willing to do anything in his power to make Simon less sad.





	1. The Beginning of the End

 

"It was only supposed to be temporary." He said. Temporary, Penny laughed to herself. Baz should know that nothing he does is temporary. He did this to Simon. He  _ruined_ Simon.

"How is he?" Baz asked coming down the hallway. Penny looked up at him from where her head was tucked between her knees. She smiled sadistically as she wiped her eyes.

"Why do you want to know? Isn't this what you wanted? To defeat Simon Snow." Penny snapped. Baz hung his head. Good, she thought. You deserve to feel bad for what you did. "You did this." Penny hissed as she stood up.

"Penelope-"

"Shut up, Baz, just  _shut up."_ She sneered. "You want to know how he's doing? Fine, I'll tell you. His magic has weakened significantly. Hardly any left." Penny explained. Baz said nothing. What could he say? 'I'm sorry?' He's already tried that.

"Penny, I truly am sorry, I didn't know this would happen." Baz tried. His attempts to make her less pissed at him were not working.

"You knew full well this would happen!" She now yelled. Baz was taken aback by her sudden outburst. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "He's going to die." She whispered. Baz felt his heart sink. This can't be true. Baz took in a deep breath. He can't let his emotions show. Especially in front of Penny.

"What can I do?" Baz asked. Penny laughed again.

"You've done enough." She smiled wickedly.

"Penny please, I want to help. I want to make this right." Baz pleaded. Penny's face went hard. Her lips pressed together in a firm line.

"You want to help?" She repeated his words as she stepped forward, looking up into his cold eyes. "You can help by not being an absolute asshole and make his final days, months,  _years_ as peaceful as they can fucking be." She said through her gritted teeth as she poked him hard in his chest.

"Alright," Baz said simply. Penny was honestly not expecting him to comply.

"Alright." She repeated with a nod, trying to obtain her menacing appearance.

~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quite possibly the shortest chapter, I've ever written. If all goes as planned, I hope to finish writing this short story before spring break. Get ready for some angst, fluff, and pain my dudes.


	2. It's Cold as a Tomb and it's Dark in Your Room

_“It’s cold as a tomb and it’s dark in your room. When I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds.”_

**Baz**

_*a few days later*_

Simon has been in a depressive slump ever since the incident. Penny has been up to check on him between classes. The Mage is allowing Simon to take a few days off from school. Not me though. I've just been skipping my classes to keep watch over him. For two reasons really. One being, I need to make sure Simon doesn't do anything stupid. Two, I promised Bunce I would watch over him. And you  _never_ want to break a promise with Bunce. Never.

Simon spends most of his time trying to use what little magic he has left. He'll try casting a simple  _ **"Open Sesame!"**  _On the bathroom door. Or  _ **"Some Like It Hot!"**  _On a pot of tea. None of it works. Sometimes, he'll sit next to me on my bed without saying a word and take my hands in his, trying to push some of his magic into me. I only get a small tingle.

"Are you hungry?" I ask. Simon is laying on his bed with his back to me.

"Yes." He replied stubbornly.

"Do you want me to go get some sandwiches from the kitchen?" I offer.

"You'll get in trouble if The Mage catches you out of class." He says as he sits up on his bed, his eyes trained on me. I shrugged as I walk towards the door.

"If The Mage wanted to get me in trouble, he would have done it by now," I said simply before leaving.

I needed to get away from Simon quite honestly. Watching him get upset over his spells not working was putting a damper on my already dampened mood.

No one was in the hallways thankfully, so I easily snuck into the kitchen. I didn't want to leave Simon alone for too long, so I wasted no time in piling food onto a tray.

When I returned to our room with a tray full of sandwiches and cookies, Simon was nowhere to be seen. A noise came from inside the bathroom across the room. I placed the tray of food on his bed and placed my ear on the bathroom door. Through the door, I could clearly hear coughing and gagging.

"Snow?" I asked. He didn't answer.  _"Snow?"_ I asked again. Simon didn't answer. All he did was cough and heave. I tried the doorknob. It was unlocked. Thank fuck. I immediately regretted my decision of entering the bathroom as the stench of vomit overcame my nostrils. "Fuck, Snow." I groaned. Simon laid hunched over the toilet. He looked paler than me.

"I don't know what happened." He whined. I placed a hand on Simon's sweat-soaked back as he heaved some more into the toilet.

"It's alright, it's alright," I reassured as I ran my hand up and down his back. His white shirt was completely soaked in sweat. The shirt clung to his skin uncomfortably. Once he stopped heaving, I slowly pulled him away from the toilet and removed his shirt.

"I'm cold." Simon shivered. I frowned.

"Snow, you're burning up," I said as I sat next to him.

"I'm cold!" He repeated more aggressively as he weakly punched his fist into my chest. Slightly irritated, I pulled Simon's frail body into mine. He sat between my legs with his head rested lazily on my shoulder. He looked like absolute hell. His hair was matted down to his forehead. I brushed his hair away, then felt his temperature with the back of my hand. He was warm, but not alarmingly warm. At least he was sweating out whatever fever he had.

"Come on Snow, you need a bath." I sighed as I reached up and flushed the toilet and closed the lid. I pulled us both to our feet, then sat Simon on the toilet seat. "I'm going to go start the water," I said. He nodded slowly with his eyes closed.

I didn't feel like waiting for the water to warm up so I cast a quick  _ **"Some Like It Hot!"**_

I walked back over to Simon and kneeled down in front of him. "I'm going to finishes undressing you now, okay?" I announced. Knowing Simon, he'd think I'm trying to get him exposed to murder him.

Once I finished undressing him, I helped him into the tub. "Can you wash yourself?" I now asked. I didn't mind if he couldn't... Simon didn't answer. He rested his arms on the side of the tub and his head on the wall. I would not be surprised if he was asleep right now. "Snow." I snapped. Simon's lips curled into a smile.

"First name." He said without opening his eyes. He's feeling a lot better now.

"I'll get you a towel and clothes," I grumbled, ignoring his request. I could  _hear_ Simon's sly smirk. Simon bloody Snow.

~

That night was just the same as every other night. Simon thrashed around in his bed as his nightmares got the best of him. I sat cross-legged on my bed watching him.

“No,” he whispered faintly. “Stop.”

I never woke him when he had nightmares, even though I desperately wanted to. I wanted to wake him and hold him in my arms and tell him everything will be okay. But I could never do that. We’re enemies.

Simon moaned in terror. I could see the sweat on his brow even in the dark. I slowly slide out of my bed, soundlessly and kneeled beside Simon’s bed. It was cold as a tomb in our room.

“I hate you,” Simon whispered. For a panicked second I thought he was awake, but when I looked up at his face, his eyes were scrunched shut.

“Rest, Simon,” I said, barely above a whisper. I never called Simon by his first name. Well, never when he’s listening at least. “It’s alright, Snow.” I managed to muster up enough bravery to gently hold Simon’s clammy hand in mine. His hand was shaking.

“I-I hate-” Simon trailed off. I was tired of seeing him like this.

 _ **“Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This!”**  _And just like that, Simon had stop thrashing. I didn’t have to get rid of his nightmares. I never have before, so why now? I could have fueled his nightmares if I wanted to. Pour salt in his wounds. Kick him while he’s down. I wouldn’t doubt it if I was the one who  _caused_ his nightmares. It doesn’t matter. The nightmares were gone and now he can rest easy. More importantly, I can rest easy. 

~


	3. You Can Tell Me How Vile I Already Know That I Am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note: In this story, the Roommate Anathema does not exist

**Baz**

The next morning, Simon was quieter than usual. I could feel his magic boiling at his surface. He stood in front of his dresser mirror, staring blankly into nothing. I will say, he looked a little better than what he did last night.

From where I sat on my bed I could see his eyes were red and slightly puffy. From what, I'm not sure but I have a pretty good guess. 

"Are you alright, Snow?" I asked. Simon's focused on me, glaring at me in the mirror.

"Why do you care, Baz?" His voice was venomous as he turned to face me. I had to bite my tongue before I could come back with something vile to say.

"Maybe because I can feel your magic oozing out of you and  _I_  don't feel like cleaning up  _your_  mess," I said through gritted teeth. Well, my attempts at being level-headed didn't last long. Although, that's the longest it has ever lasted. Looks like there's a first for everything. Good job, me.

"My mess? You don't feel like cleaning up  _my mess?_  Well, if it wasn't for _you,_ Baz I WOULDN'T BE A MESS!" Simon roared. Simon's outburst caused the mirror behind him to burst. Shards of glass flew everywhere. Simon winced and went quite instantly.

"Snow-"

"I hate you!" Simon screamed. What Simon did next was something I've never seen before. He was shooting his magic  _through_  his hands. It was a dark blue and silver. I quickly casted a protection spell on myself. "I hate you!" He screamed again.

He was blasting magic out of his hands left and right. He didn't have much magic left to begin with, but at this rate, he might completely run out.

"Snow, stop," I warned.  _Blast._ "Snow!" I groaned.  _Blast._ "You're going to waste all your magic! Stop!" I admonished. He has to stop. Why can't he see that he's wasting his magic? 

"Stop!" I shouted one last time. 

_Blast._

_~_

**Simon**

It was gone.  _All of it._  My magic was gone.

I fell to my knees in front of Baz and just lost it. The tears fell from my eyes like waterfalls.  _It's gone._

Baz had let his wall of protection down. He was now standing next to me with his hand on my bloody shoulder. The glass shards had embedded themselves all over my back and shoulders, It hurt, but the emotional pain was much stronger.

"Snow," Baz spoke quietly.

"I hate you," I said, barely above a whisper as the tears continued to fall. The phrase was the only thing that felt real to me.  _Hate._ It was all I had left.

"I know." He responded as he crouched down next to me. "I know." He said again as he pulled me into his arms. I let him. 

I clutched onto his shirt. I wanted to rip right through it and tear him apart just so he could feel a glimpse of what I feel. He never will. He'll never think the thoughts in my head. He'll never dream the dreams that make me toss and turn at night. He'll never feel my pain. No one will. 

I cried harder into his shoulder.

"I hope you reap what you sow." I spat. 

~

I cried for what felt like a lifetime. I didn't know if I'd ever stop. When I was done, Baz had picked out the shards of glass from my back and cleaned the small wounds.

I didn't want to be around him anymore. He's already taken so much from me, I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to think about what comes next. I'll have to tell The Mage I'm powerless. Penny too. I think the best thing for me to do is to just leave Watford. I don't know where I'll go, but anything would be better than Watford at this point.

Sleep. That's what I really need right now. Although, I know my sleep won't be peaceful or dreamless. They'll be filled with horrible nightmares that leave me shaken and sweaty when I wake. The nightmares occurred ever since Baz cursed me. Even when I sleep, I can't get rid of him.

I used to be afraid of my nightmares becoming reality. They're mostly of Baz killing me in multiple different ways. Quite honestly, I wouldn't mind if they became real now. They practically already have. It's only a matter of time before this "temporary curse" kills me. It's bound to happen. Everyone knows it will. Even he knows, he just won't admit it.

I sighed to myself as I pulled back the sheets on my back and climbed under them. They were cold, but I didn't mind because they soothed the cuts on my back.

"Snow," Baz spoke from his bed. For fucks sake.

"What," I answer, turning my head towards him in the dark.

"I want you to know," he pauses and inhales a shaky breath. "That I'm sorry." He finished. Silence filled the room. It was suffocating. What does he want me to say?  _'Oh, it's fine Baz I forgive you for ruining my entire life.'_ Not happening.

"And," he started again. Oh boy, there's more. "If it would make you feel any better, you can tell me how vile, I already know that I am." He sighed. I couldn't see him in the dark, but I knew for a fact he wasn't looking at me. He was either looking at his bed sheets or twiddling his thumbs. Anything but look at me. Coward. I would be staring him down if I could even make out his face in the dark.

"Charming Baz, but I think I'll pass." I gripe as I turn away from him. He didn't say anything else. Good, because I had nothing else to say.

~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I highly suggest you guys listen to "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" by Brand New since that song inspired this short story. Also just listen to their music because they are one of my favorite bands.


	4. The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is also the title of the song (by Brand New) that this book is based/inspired from.

**Simon**

I woke up before Baz the next morning, which I was thankful for. I didn’t want him asking me questions about where I was off to. I went to go talk to The Mage.

I told him that I had lost my magic and I wished to leave Watford. I don’t know what I expected him to say. I thought maybe he would allow me to leave, but I should know nothing goes the way I plan them.

“No.” He answered.

“No?” I echoed, bewildered.

“You’re not leaving this school, Simon.” The Mage confirmed.

“But sir, I’m worthless. I’m a Normal.” I argued, starting to get rather annoyed.

“Don’t say that Simon, you are very valuable and are needed here.” He reasoned. _Lies,_ I thought. It’s all bullshit to get me to stay. Well, it’s not like I have a choice anymore. I have no legal guardians. I’m stuck here. I swear, I’m going to rot in this wretched school. “You can resume your classes when you feel convenient.” And those were his final words to me before he showed me out of his office. _Damn._

I gritted my teeth. Perfect. Just fucking perfect. I stomped back to our room. I should be seeing Penny soon. Her first class is almost over.

~

Once Penny left I decided on taking a shower. She had cried the whole time I told her what happened and threatened to kill Baz at least three times. Thank god he wasn’t in the room because I think she really would have.

The bathroom filled with steam as I showered in scalding hot water. I don’t know why I made the water so hot, to be honest. Maybe I like the pain now. Damn, I’m becoming as sick as Baz.

As I washed my hair, I noticed a rather large lump on my head. Huh, I must have hit my head in my sleep or something. I didn’t think much of it at the time. Maybe it was just another perk of Baz’s wonderful “temporary curse”.

“Where were you this morning?” Baz asked when I came out of the bathroom.

“With The Mage,” I answered. I didn’t even have to look at him to know he had his nose shriveled up disgust.

“Oh.” Was all he said. I knew he wanted me to elaborate. Why not. What else do I’ve got to lose?

“I asked him if I could leave Watford. Since my magic is gone, I’m useless to him.” I explained.

“You’re not useless, Snow.” He conceded. I looked at him a bit baffled. I shook my head as I walked over to my bed. Baz has been acting so weird lately. Maybe he’s feeling guilty for what he’s done. I honestly don’t care anymore. I think I’ve internally made peace with my situation. There’s no use in fighting the inevitable.

Baz was still watching me. Does he want me to keep talking? I have nothing left to say.

“So, that’s where I was this morning.” I finished awkwardly.

“What did The Mage say, about you wanting to leave?” Baz asked. I knew that’s what he wanted to know. What I don’t know is if he wants me to stay or go. Maybe if I go, he won’t have to look after me anymore. I know Penny threatened him the day he cursed me. If I leave, maybe he and everybody else will be better off. I could leave if I really wanted to. The Mage wouldn’t know I’m gone until it’s too late. I’m of legal age too. He can’t force me to stay.

I’d leave if Baz wanted me to.

“Do you want me to leave?” I ask suddenly, ignoring his initial question. I sat cross-legged facing him. He mirrored me.

“What? No. _No.”_ His eyebrows knitted together as he shook his head. “What did The Mage say?” He asked more frantically.

“He said I had to stay.” I laughed. The panic from Baz’s appearance vanished as he sighed quietly in relief.

“Oh.” He nodded.

“Relieved?” I asked.

“To be honest, yes.” He confirmed. This is weird. Really bloody weird. This is not like Baz at all. He’s always sharp-tongued, witty and an all-around asshole. He’s like the vampire Tony Stark. But he’s actually acting like a civilized human being.

I don’t like it, but I could get used to it.

“Why?” I laughed. “So you can torment me some more? Make my life a bit more miserable? You got what you wanted Baz, I’m a Normal. You defeated Simon Snow.” I snapped. Why am I getting so angry all of a sudden? Baz didn’t do anything wrong. Well, today at least.

Baz sighed defeatedly.   


**Baz**

“I don’t know. Is that what you wanted to hear?” I snapped. I knew exactly why I didn’t want Simon to leave, but I wasn’t just going to outright say, _‘I don’t want you to leave because I am undoubtedly in love with you.’_ He’d probably laugh in my face. I would too if I were him.

Simon was quick to his feet. He started pacing back and forth from his side of the room to mine.

“You’re a lying sack of shit, Baz.” Simon hissed. He was engulfed in rage. I loved it. I loved that look in his eyes. I snickered as I rose to my feet and stood in his path.

“Preaching to the choir now, Snow?” I retorted. He stopped dead in front of me. His body just inches away from mine. I could see his face much clearer now. He was looking up at me with undoubted hatred. Again, I loved it. I really am disturbed. I also loved being taller than him. I had the high ground.

Simon was so flustered, he couldn’t even form a sentence. All he could do was jab at my chest with his finger.

“Why… Why-?” He trailed off.

“Why what, Snow? C’mon, use your words.” I smirked down at him.

“I’m done, Baz.” He now sighed. He looked down at the space between us. I so desperately wanted to close the gap. “I’m going to bed.” He said, scornfully. Well fuck. I don’t know what I expected. Now I felt bad because he looked so _sad._ Good job, Baz. Always trying to fuck things up. I’m just a boy who keeps blocking his own shot.

I have to fix this. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Simon.” I started. Damn. It’s just a name, but I never called him by his name while he was conscious. Simon stood over his bed and stared at me. He was crying. _Fuck._

“What.” He shuddered.

“I’m sorry.”

“Bullshit.” He sneered.

“Simon-”  
  
“Stop calling me that!” He cried. I really did ruin Simon Snow, didn’t I?

“Can you just listen to me then!” I shouted.

“Why! So you can whisper sweet nothings in my ear and put me under your little spell? I’m not having it Baz! I’m already going to die because of you so at least let me go out peacefully.” He recoiled after he finished speaking. I sighed.

“If it makes you less sad, I’ll leave. I’ll leave Watford, I’ll leave England, hell, I’ll even leave Europe if you wanted me to.” I rambled off. I was serious too. I would leave if Simon wanted me to.

Simon wiped the tears from his cheeks as he pulled back his bedsheets, climbing underneath them.

“Maybe I don’t want you to leave either.” He said quietly as he turned his back to me and pulled the covers under his chin. I stood there, stunned. He doesn’t want me to leave?

Simon Snow _was_ a mystery I would never figure out.

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are moving along...


	5. The Hardest Part of This Is Leaving You

**Baz**

I didn’t sleep at all that night. I couldn’t get Simon’s voice out of my head.  _“Maybe I don’t want you to leave either.”_ I don’t know what to believe anymore.

The sun was starting to shine through the curtains, casting a warm glow over Simon’s peaceful features. I had to cast another sweet dreams spell on him last night.

There was a soft knock on our bedroom door. Simon stirred slightly. I will kill whoever's at the door if they wake Simon. I watched as Simon mumbled something incoherent in his sleep, then nuzzled back down into his pillow. That was close.

I got out of bed soundlessly, not trying to disturb Simon, then answered the door. It was Bunce.

“What?” I whispered. She peered over my shoulder to see Simon sleeping. Don’t worry, Bunce. I haven’t killed our precious Simon.

“How is he?” She asked.

“Sleeping,” I replied. She crossed her arms with irritation. Well, she asked.

“I see that.” She whispered harshly. “How has he been?” She asked now.

“Fine.” I lied. Half lied. I didn’t necessarily want to tell her we fought last night. I’ll leave that up to Simon. “He’s been- he’s been doing a bit better,” I added.

“That’s good.” She sighed with relief.

“I’ve even been casting a few healing spells on him while he sleeps because I know he wouldn’t let me while he’s awake.” I chuckle. To my surprise, Penny did too.

“Baz,” she started. I looked at her expectantly. “I know you’re trying and I just want to say thank you.” She said softly. I was taken back to be quite honest. I wanted to believe that Penny is saying this because she’s forgiving me and finally realizing that I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. But I think she’s just making peace with me because we all know Simon doesn't have much time left. She’s making peace with me because it’s what Simon would want. He wouldn’t want us to fight.

We’re doing this for him.

~

Simon was still sleeping by the time Penny left. It was going on noon and he was still sleeping soundly. I didn’t want to wake him. He needed his sleep. I did my best to be quiet and let him rest. I mostly laid on my bed, reading.

I haven’t gone down to the catacombs in a while. I thought about going down there and feeding, but I didn’t want to risk Simon waking up while I was gone. I’ll be fine. I’ll just wait till he’s awake. It’s not like he doesn’t know I’m a vampire.

As I flipped the page in my book Simon started stirring again. He sat up in his bed staring blankly in front of him. His hair was unruly, yet adorable. Ugh, did I really just think that?

He looked over at me and caught me staring at him. Oops.

“What time is it?” he asked, groggily.

“Going on one.”

“Crowley.” he groaned as he rubbed his eyes. “Why didn’t you wake me?” He now asked.

“Waking you is like waking the dead.” I laughed. It was true. Also waking Simon is like signing your own death warrant.

“Speak for yourself.” He muttered as he kicked off his covers and got out of bed. “I’m taking a shower.” He yawned. I swear, that boy loves showers more than cherry scones.

~

I told Penny he was getting better. I lied to  _her._  Simon lied to  _me._

Simon passed out while he was in the shower. I had no time to get to Penny to tell her what was wrong. He banged his head and knocked himself out. It wasn’t till then that I noticed a lump on his head.

I had to take him to the hospital since he was a Normal now. The school nurse could nothing for him.

The hospital staff wouldn’t let me in to see him since I wasn’t family. I’m his roommate and I brought him here, I think that’s close enough. Plus, he doesn’t have a family. Penny and I are the closest he has to a family.

I paced the hallways outside his room. No one has come to speak with me yet. If no one tells me who he’s doing soon I might pull a Simon and go off.

“Mr. Pitch?” Someone said from behind me. I turned around quickly. It was his nurse.  _Finally._

“Yes?”

“Simon is awake.” She announced. I could have cried right there.

“Can I see him?” I asked hurriedly. She nodded, but before I could enter his room, she stopped me.

“There’s something I must tell you first.” She started. I looked at her expectantly, but she just looked down at her feet.  _Oh no._ “He has- Simon has a tumor in his head that is inoperable.” She stated. I felt my heart drop. No. That’s not true. It can’t be.

I didn't want to make a scene. Simon wouldn’t want that. Does Simon know?

“You can’t give him medicine or something?” I pleaded. She shook her head.

“That’s not how this works, Mr. Pitch.” She frowned. I pinched the bridge of my nose.  _I will not cry._  Simon wouldn’t want me to. “There’s nothing we can do for him. We offered to move him to hospice but he requested to leave. He wants his finale months to be at home.” She explained. Home.

“Can I see him now?” I asked. I didn’t want to talk about Simon dying anymore. She nodded and stepped aside. Inside Simon’s room was quiet. Too quiet and I didn’t like it.

“Snow?” I called out.

“Baz?” He answered weakly.

“It’s me,” I said standing beside his bed now. He reached out a hand and I held it. His hands we thin. How did I not notice before? They were cold and pale like mine. I couldn’t stand this. “How are you feeling?” I asked.

“Like shit.” He laughed, closing his eyes. I frowned. “I want to go home, Baz.” He admitted. Home. Our room back at Watford. I didn’t consider that home, but Simon did. For some reason that made my heart feel warm.

“We will,” I said. We will, Simon.

“When I die, will you make sure Penny isn’t around. I don’t want her to see.” He whispered faintly. I tear rolled down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away. I will not cry in front of Simon.

“Of course, Snow.” My voice wavered.

“Baz?” He started again. I squeezed his hand in response. I didn’t trust myself to speak. “Will you be there with me when I go? I don’t want to be alone.” Simon was crying now and so was I. I couldn’t take it anymore. 

“I’ll do anything you ask, Simon.” And I meant it. I would be with him till the end of the line. 

**Simon**

I didn't want to admit it, but I was afraid to die. I know I still had a lot of time left. The nurse told me I had six to eight months left. That's enough time for me. Before I go, I want to make peace with Baz. I want to tie all loose ends. Make everything alright before I go.

I want Baz to go on fighting the Humdrum for me. I want him to protect the world like I was supposed to. I failed. Just because I'm going to die, doesn't mean my love for other and the world will. Even in the afterlife, I'll do whatever it takes to keep the peace. If there even is an afterlife. Looks like I'll find out in six to eight months. 

I want Baz to know that I don't hate him anymore. It's useless to hate him anymore. I just don't know how to tell him this. I'll have to tell him soon. I need him to know before I go that I don't hate him and I don't blame him for any of this. I want to tell him that the hardest part of all of this isn't the pain and suffering I know I'll go through. No, the hardest part of all of this is leaving  _him._

I need to talk to Penny too. I need to explain to her how I feel. She needs to understand that Baz  _is_ trying and if I can forgive him, then she can too. She needs to forgive Baz. For me. 

I just want everyone to be okay.  

~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd be a liar if I said I didn't cry while writing this. My spring break ends this Monday and I probably won't have time to write tomorrow, since it's my moms birthday. This story is a bit longer than I anticipated. I want to say we're halfway there, but I'm not sure anymore. I keep coming up with new ideas... 
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed. See you in the next update, whenever that may be.


	6. I Will Die By Your Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fluff you all deserve. I recommend you all listen to "And I Love Her" by The Beatles since that song does have a lot of influence on this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, please, please, please! Listen to "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" by Brand New. This story is based off that song. Also, I just really love that band.

_“If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand.”_

**Simon**

I was sent home the next morning. I’ve come to terms with my fate. The doctors have given me six to eight months. Although, they’re still giving me chemo. They have a bit more faith than I do.

Baz stood awkwardly in the middle of the room. If he has something to say he should just say it. He may regret not speaking later.

“Snow?” He finally asked.

“Yes, Baz,” I answered without looking at him. After a few moments of silence, I turned to face him. “Baz?”

“I’m sorry.” He muttered.

“I know, Baz. You can stop apologizing now. It’s just making us more depressed.” I shrugged.  _Us._ Well, I’m right, Him apologizing makes him feel more guilty and it reminds me that I’m dying. I get it, you’re sorry.

“And, if it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand. I’ll do it for you,  _Simon.”_ He said hurriedly. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“You’re sounding suicidal, and to be fair, I’m the only one that is entitled to be suicidal here. Once I die, then you can be entitled.” I chuckled. That came out a bit more vicious than I intended. That was extremely wrong of me to say.  “I’m sorry,” I added quickly. “I didn’t mean it like that.” Well, how did I mean it? I don’t even know. I don't think I even meant it at all. 

Baz just shook his head. He looked sad. I hated it, to be honest. You’d think I’d enjoy it, after all the harm he’s caused me. But I don’t. Like I said in the hospital, I just want everyone to be okay.

“It’s fine Snow, really.” He confirmed. “I’m going to go find Penelope and tell her what’s happened.” He announced, placing a hand on the doorknob.

“I-I think I should go with you,” I said quickly before he walked out the door. He looked at me funny, so I continued. “I wouldn’t want Penny going off on you. It’s not your fault I passed out in the shower.” I added with a nervous chuckle. Baz grinned.

“I think I can handle it, Snow.” I know he could. I just didn’t want to be left alone right now. But I shrugged and let him leave.

~

Baz returned with Penny in tow. She was crying as she engulfed me in a hug. Baz must have told her how long I have left.

“Tell me it isn’t true.  _Please,_ Simon.” She begged.

“I can’t, Penny,” I said into her shoulder. She clung to me tighter. She didn’t deserve this. None of us did.

Suddenly, she pushed me away and rose to her feet, gazing at Baz with a venomous gaze.

“You.” She roared. “This is your fault!” She screamed as she collided her fist to Baz’s jaw. The room fell silent. The realization of what Penny had just done flashed across her face, but she didn’t bother to say sorry. She didn't even have a hint of remorse. I know she meant it. We all did.

“I know.” He whispered.

~

That night, I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stop thinking about Penny. What was she doing right now? Could she sleep? Was she alright? I know she wasn’t, but she’s going to have to be. For  _me._ Defeatedly, I got out of bed and pulled the curtains back letting the moonlight flood the room. Baz was facing away from the window, so I knew the light wouldn’t bother him.

I pulled myself up to sit on the windowsill. I looked down at the ground stories below me. It would be so easy to just open the window and  _jump._  I shouldn't. It would completely ruin Baz. For him to wake up and not find me in bed, but splattered across the pavement below. While he slept, I fell to my death. I couldn’t do that to him. I  _wouldn’t_ do that to him.

I opened the window. Just for some air. I let my feet dangle over the edge. It would be so easy. I didn’t even realize I was crying until I heard Baz’s voice call from behind me.

“Simon, what are you doing?” He called wearily. He sounded scared. I didn’t answer. I didn’t know how to answer. Then, I felt Baz’s hand rest gently on my back. He could push me if he wanted to. I know he wouldn’t, but maybe I wanted him to. “Simon.” He said again.

“I don’t wanna do this.” I don’t even know what I was referring to.

“Then don’t.” He said softly. Silence fell over us. I stared down at the ground. I could jump right now and have a somewhat clean conscious. Baz wouldn’t be asleep and unaware.

“Baz?” I ask.

“Yes.”

“What would you say if I said I wanted to kiss you?” I asked curiously. The words left my lips without my permission. Baz tensed.

“I’d say you’re crazy.” That made us both laugh.

“Maybe I am,” I said wiping my eyes. I felt Baz’s arms slowly snake around my waist and pull me down from the windowsill. Once I was on solid ground, he let go of me and closed the window. Locked it too.

Without thinking twice, I crawled into Baz’s bed. In the past, he would kill me for this. Literally. Kill me. Kill me dead. I don’t think he cares now. His pillow smelled like him. His bed was cold of course, but I didn’t mind.

All I wanted at this moment was Baz.

To my surprise, Baz laid down beside me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. I nuzzled down into him, resting my head on his chest. His arm was wrapped securely around me and I felt safe. Who knew I would find safety and comfort in Basilton Grimm-Pitch.

I was crying again. And I don’t know why. Baz traced circles on my shoulder, comfortingly.

“Bright are the stars that shine, dark is the sky.” Baz’s voice filled the room. He was  _singing._ Baz Pitch never ceases to amaze me. “I know this love of mine will never die.” His voice was beautiful. To think I’ve lived my whole life without hearing Baz sing. I never want to go another day without hearing it. I want my last moments to be filled with Baz singing.

“And I love her.” I don’t know if he knew it, but he was singing one of my favorite Beatles songs. I think he just made it ten times better.

“Baz?” I whispered.

“Yes?” He replied in a low, quiet voice.

“I want to kiss you.” I wanted to so badly. For how long? Long enough.

Without saying a word, Baz leaned down, using his finger to lift my chin and then softly connected our lips. And for the first time in a very long time, things didn’t seem so bad anymore. 

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you feel?


	7. Brand New Day In A Life That You Hate

_"I'll grow old, start acting my age. It'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate."_

**Baz**

_*a few weeks later*_

Simon has been getting progressively worse. Not physically. Mentally.

I've never seen him act so vile before, even when I tried to feed him to the chimera. He spends most his time sitting on the windowsill, looking out onto the school grounds. It scares me leaving him alone when I have to go to class. Ever since that night I woke up to him sitting with his legs out the window, I've been scared he might- he might do something permanent while I'm gone.

Although, ever since that night in bed, Simon hasn't been shy about kissing me. He'll straddle my waist and kiss me till my lips go numb. It's become apart of our nightly routine. Every night, I tell him I love him. He frowns slightly each time, but quickly hides it with a laugh and says "bullshit."

Maybe I should show him then.

Right now, he and Bunce are at the doctors. His doctor wanted to check up on him. See if everything is working alright. Simon's doctor has more faith in his survival than Simon does. I think his doctor has more faith than me.

Fuck, I didn't realize I was crying until I heard a knock on the door. It was Penny. Where's Simon?  _Fuck,_ where's Simon?

"Penelope, where's Simon?" I asked as soon as I opened the door.

"I'm fine, Baz. How are you?" She grumbled pushing past me and into the room. She flopped down on Simon's bed. She looked exhausted.

"Sorry," I apologized. "But where is he?" I asked again. She sighed.

"He has to stay overnight at the hospital. The cancer is spreading." She said faintly. My heart dropped. But he still has a few more months?!

"Is he okay-"

"Obviously not, Baz!" She shouted suddenly. "Sorry," she sighed, rubbing her temples. "It's been a rough day."

"Understandable."

"Here," she said, tossing me a pair of keys. "Go see him, you two seem to have been getting pretty  _close_  these past few weeks." She elaborated. "Don't tell The Mage I let you drive his car."

~

When I arrived at the hospital, I was expecting to see Simon greet me with wide smiles and open arms. Instead, I was met with sharp glares and crossed arms.

"Look who decided to show up." He muttered. I furrowed my eyebrows, slightly confused.

"Simon?" I asked almost disbelievingly. He huffed as he looked out the window.

Simon Snow. A boy that had nothing but love and respect for everyone and everything on this wretched earth, is now full of hatred and sorrow. And it's all because of me. Simon Snow will die because of my doing. I'll grow old, start acting my age while he withers and fades away into  _nothing_. All because of _me._

I pulled a chair next to his bed and sat next to his bed. "Simon," I said again. He looked over at me and dropped his hateful demeanor.

"Sorry." He finally mumbled out.

"Penny told me that you have to stay overnight," I stated.

"Yeah." He sighed. "Cancers' spreading." He shrugged. He looked so hopeless, I hated it.

"It'll be okay, Snow." I smiled sympathetically, placing my hand over his. He quickly wrenched his hand away in disgust.

"Shut up, Baz. You know just as well as I do that this is a waiting game now." He snapped. I didn't say anything. What could I say? It seemed as though that every word I said angered him.

"Do you want me to stay with you tonight?" I asked. He looked at me and frowned. He wouldn't look me in the eye.

"No, I think I need some alone time." That was the answer I was exactly afraid of. He's been spending almost every day alone. The only time he returns to his normal self is when he's in my arms at night. It makes me sad, but like he said. I'm not entitled to be sad yet.

"Alright," I nodded. I stood up and leaned forward to place a soft kiss on his forehead. I don't think he's in the mood for a kiss on the lips. "I love you," I say as I pulled away. He said nothing. I smiled half-heartedly before I opened the door. He just ignored me and went back to looking out the window. I hung my head as I left.

**Simon**

I didn't want Baz to leave quite honestly. I wanted him to hold me as I cried. I wanted him to kiss me as he said he loves me. I wanted him to just be here, but I pushed him away. At this rate, who knows how much longer I have left. I shouldn't be pushing him away, I should be holding him close and cherishing our last moments together. But that would be selfish. It would only hurt him more in the end. If I push everyone away now, they won't be hurt when I'm gone.

I've even been pushing Penny away. Which is stupid. All of this is stupid. Maybe I'm acting stupid, but I really don't care anymore. I'm going to die and there's nothing that's going to change that.

There are some days when I'm in denial about all of this. I'll have breakdowns while Baz in class. I'll scream and cry because I'm afraid. I won't lie. I'm absolutely terrified. Most the times I'll keep saying to myself that none of this is real and this isn't happening, but then I'm sucked back into reality shortly after.

I don't think I was going to sleep tonight. How could I when the nurse keeps coming in every hour. Yes, Sharon, I'm feeling fine, now shut the hell up. It's just one night. This time tomorrow, I'll have Baz all to myself and we'll do nothing but sleep and cuddle because that's what I want. And I'm in one of those moods where I'm going to get what I want.

But for now, I'm going to try to at least get a few hours of sleep.

~

Bright and early the next morning, the nurse had come in with a tray of food.

“Good morning, Simon.” She smiled as she set the try down in my lap. It was just plain eggs and toast. Watford would never.

“Morning.” I nodded as I poked at the soggy eggs with the plastic fork she provided. I’ll get Penny to stop at McDonald’s on the way home.

“Your friends will be here soon to come get you, but first I want to run a few blood test.” She announced. The cancers still there, love. No need for checking.

Once I finished eating the horrid hospital food, the nurse took a sample of my blood and off she went. And just like she said, my friends would be here soon. Baz stood in the doorway of my room dressed in all black.

“It’s not time for my funeral yet Baz, brighten up.” I offered. Baz didn’t smile. What, my jokes aren’t funny?

“Not funny, Snow.” Guess not.

“I thought it was funny.” I shrugged as I grinned to myself. Baz said nothing as he walked into the room, pulling a chair up next to my bed. “Where’s Penny?” I now asked.

“Back at Watford.” He answered. The confusion and shock must have been prominent on my face because he elaborated. “She’s already missed too many classes, and I really don’t care about my attendance.” He shrugged. Makes sense.

“Well, I guess we can leave. Go get the nurse?” I asked. Baz nodded and left the room.

After a few minutes, I was being wheeled out of the hospital and into the car. Once we pulled out onto the main road, I heard my stomach give a low rumble. I’m pretty sure Baz heard it too, but he didn’t say anything. I just remembered, I still want McDonald’s.

“Can we get McDonald’s?” I asked. Baz would be very brave to say no to me when it comes to food.

“They didn’t feed you?” He asked.

“Yeah, but it was disgusting.” I reasoned.

“Fine.” He sighed. Fuck yeah. “What do you want?” He asked as he pulled into the drive-thru.

“Chicken nuggies,” I answered. He looked at me funny again.

“It’s ten in the morning?”

“Chicken. Nuggies.” I repeated seriously. He rolled his eyes.

~

When we arrived back at Warford and I almost didn’t recognize it. It feels as though I’ve been spending more time at the hospital than here.

“Simon,” I heard Baz call from behind me.

“Yeah?” I replied, turning to face him.

“I love you.” He said as he stepped closer. His jaw was set firmly and he stood tall. I opened my mouth to respond with ‘bullshit’ but the words wouldn’t come. I shut my mouth and looked down at the floor. I have a hard time believing him. I don’t know if I ever will.

All of this seems so unreal. Baz and I are sworn enemies, he cursed me, I’m dying, I kissed him, he kisses me.  _He_  loves me. I think you can understand why I have a hard time believing all of this.

“Simon?” He said quietly.

“Yeah?” I said without looking up. He lifted my chin up softly and looked me in the eye. His face was melancholy.

“I love  _you.”_ He repeated. He sounded as if he was about to cry. I guess I could understand why. He’s trying so hard to change what he’s done, but he can’t. He just can’t. He thinks he loves me, but he just misses me. He already misses me and I’m not even gone yet. But maybe I already am gone. Even I’ve noticed my drastic mood change. I’m not the same person. Baz may have loved me alive, but he doesn’t love me gone.

“Maybe,” I whispered. I didn’t think Baz heard me, I don’t think I wanted him too. But I know he did as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. My eyes fell shut as I ran my hand through his hair like I’ve already done a million times before. I would do it a million more time too.

Baz started pushing me backwards slowly until my legs pressed against his bed. I lost my balance and fell into his sheets. I think he meant to do that. Baz’s thighs rested on either side of my hips. He pushed me impossible further into the bed with his hips. I let him of course. My hands that once intertwined through his hair were now working on undoing the buttons of his shirt. Normally, I’m the one losing the shirt, but things are different today.

Baz’s shirt was off in no time, revealing his marble, pale body. Baz ran his tongue over my bottom lip, something I’ve done to him over a thousand times. I granted him access. I grant him anything. I would do anything for him. And I know he would do the same for me, sadly.

I say sadly because he really would do anything for me. He told me himself. He practically said he would kill himself if I wanted him to.

Baz’s hands trailed down my sides and rested on my hips. His fingers loop under my jeans as he starts to work on my belt buckle. We’ve only done this a few times. We always stop before it can go anywhere. But I don’t think it will today. And I don’t think I want it to.

Soon enough, Baz was sliding my jeans down my thighs, lifting himself off me for just a brief moment to take them off completely, then straddled my hips again, returning his mouth back to mine.

I rolled my hips up to meet Baz’s as he now worked on unbuttoning my shirt. He moaned softly into my mouth. Once my shirt was completely unbuttoned, Baz pulled me to sit up in his lap as he tossed the shirt somewhere in the room. We sat there for a little while. Baz craning his neck up to kiss me harder, and I cupped his face in both of my hands.

He laid us back down again. I let out a soft gasp as he rolled his hips hard and slow into me. His cold fingertips traced up my torso and over my chest until one of his hands was intertwined in my hair, tugging my head to the side, exposing my neck. His other hand resting my shoulder as he moved his mouth to my neck.

I started panting as I felt his fangs brush against my flesh. I knew he wouldn’t bite me, even though he wanted too. He knew just as well as I did that turning would save me. Maybe I didn’t want to be saved. Turning me into a vampire wouldn’t bring my power back and it won’t solve all my problems. I just wanted Baz. No, I  _needed_ Baz.

I moaned as Baz started to suck softly on a sweet spot under my jaw. He pulled my hair gently which earned him another moan from me. I know that’s what he wanted. 

**Baz**

That is exactly what I wanted. I wanted to hear all of the sweet sounds Simon made and more. We always stopped before we could take anything further, but I wanted to go further. But I wouldn’t if he didn’t want to. I’d do anything for Simon Snow.

“Baz.” I heard Simon gasp. He’d be telling me to stop soon. I’ll be taking a cold shower tonight. I pulled my mouth away from his neck and back to his lips, but he pulled away. “Baz.” He panted again, opening his eyes to look at me. His pupils were blown and his golden eyes looked even more beautiful.

“Yes, Simon?” I asked.

“I love you too.” He said as he pulled me back down, crashing his lips against mine. “And I want to go all the way.” He said pulling away again. “I want this. I want  _you.”_ He emphasized, looking me in the eye.

“And you can have it,” I whispered as I kissed him again.

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can guess what happened next. If not, they did the diddly. I'm not good/comfortable with writing smut so that's why I cut the chapter short. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. Three more chapters left.


	8. You'll Be Sorry When I'm Gone

_"Now turn away_   
_'Cause I'm awful just to see_   
_'Cause all my hair's abandoned all my body_   
_All my agony_   
_Know that I will never marry_   
_Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo_   
_But counting down the days to go." ~ Cancer by My Chemical Romance_

**Baz**

*six months later*

Simon has lost all his hair. He's paler than I've ever seen. It's so hard looking at him these days. We all know it's just a matter of days now.

He hardly talks anymore. It must take too much energy. He spends all his time laying in bed. That's all he can do anymore. We no longer have to take him to the doctors now. There's nothing left they can do for him.

"Baz," he spoke softly.

"Yes, Snow?" I answered. From where I sat on my bed, I could see his eyes were closed. He's even lost his eyelashes. You don't realize how much you love and appreciate the little things until they're gone.

"Can you get-" his words were cut off as he started coughing. His whole body heaved as his chest rattled. Blood dribbled from the corner of his mouth. Once he had regained his breath, he continued. "Could you get me a glass of water?" He asked.

"Of course." I nodded. I had stolen a glass from the kitchen a few weeks ago so I wouldn't have to keep going down to the kitchen. I filled the glass in the bathroom sink, then cast it cold and clean. I walked back out into our room and handed him the class. "Here you go," I said as he took the glass in both hands. He smiled as he sipped on it slowly.

"Thank you." He sighed, setting the glass on the nightstand. I smiled without realizing it.

It was like a switch that went off suddenly. Simon was calm and normal and he was now hyperventilating and panicking.

"Baz, where's my magic?" He shuddered as he held his hands in front of him. "Baz I can't feel my magic!" He cried. He started shaking violently. I quickly kneeled down beside him.

"Ssh, shh, Simon it's okay," I said softly as I stroked his hair.

"Okay?! Baz, my-my magic!" He shouted.

"Simon, don't you remember?" I asked. He couldn't have forgotten?

"What?" He asked. His eyes were wide as he searched mine for answers.

"Simon, you-you used all your magic," I said. I didn't necessarily want to explain the circumstance in which he lost his magic. I don't like to think about it. I just need Simon to remember he lost his magic.

"I-I did?" He said, slightly out of breath as he looked down at his hands.

"Yes, Simon. Don't you remember? You-you went off." I explained. Another switch went off in his head. He started to calm down.

"I remember." He sighed. "I'm sorry Baz, I'm just tired."

"Don't apologize, love," I reassured as I leaned forward to give him a kiss. He moved away before I could kiss him.

"I will not kiss you like this, Baz." He said sadly. "You know I love you, any kiss could be our last and I don't want you kissing me when I'm- I'm like  _this."_ He stuttered. I won't lie, I felt sad as I listened to him talk.

"Simon, you know I love you, no matter what," I said, taking his hands in mine.

"I know you do, and I love you too." He smiled. I could see the exhaustion on his face. I leaned forward again, but this time placed a kiss on his forehead.

"Get some rest," I whispered.

**Simon**

I had awoken to the sound of someone knocking on the door. I whined as I rubbed my eyes.

“He’s sleeping.” I heard Baz whisper. I opened my eyes wearily to see whom he was talking to. A girl stood in the doorway.

“Baz?” I called out.

“Simon!” He sounded almost surprised. “Penny’s here.” He said more quietly now. Penny?

She stepped into the room and smiled. My mind was racing, nothing was clear.

“Hi, Simon.” She greeted softly. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think!

“W-Who are you?” I whispered. Her face fell, but she quickly recovered with a laugh.

“That’s not funny, Simon.” He chuckled nervously. I don’t know what she’s talking about.  _Who_  is she?

“I-I don’t know you.” I shuddered. I knew I should know her, but I  _don’t._

“Simon, it’s  _me,”_ she sounded like she was begging me to remember. “Penny!”

Then, it seemed like a light bulb went off over my head.

“Penny.” I sighed. I started to laugh. How could I have forgotten Penny? “I’m sorry.” I chuckled. “I must have been tired.” I tried to laugh away the awkwardness that lingered in the room.

Penny and Simon looked at each other in concern. 

“Baz, can I speak to you outside?” Penny asked, turning away from me. He nodded. They both left the room, leaving me to ponder in silence. 

**Penny**

“He forgot who I was, Baz!” I cried. I could see Baz trying to keep his tears at bay. It was hard on him too. Pretty soon, Simon will forget all of us.  _Permanently._ I could tell Baz couldn’t think of anything to say. What could he say?  _‘Everything will be alright, Bunce. Just a little brain-fart.’_  He knows this isn’t alright. We both do.

I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks.

His movements were slow, but Baz pulled me into his chest and let me sob into his chest. The end was already so close and neither of us could take it.

“I’m sorry.” Was all he could say. I could hear him choking back his tears. I didn’t want to say “It’s alright” or “I forgive you” because I don’t. I probably never will. But I don’t hate him. Not anymore at least. 

**Baz**

Penny left before saying goodbye to Simon. I don’t think she could bring herself too. I could barely bring myself to going back to our room. Who knows, he might even forget me, his own boyfriend. I guess that’s what we’re called now.

When I entered he was quick to apologize. He can’t help the side effects of dying. It’s not his fault. It’s mine.

“It’s alright, Snow,” I said comforting as I planted a kiss on his hairless head. I miss his curls. I miss  _him._

“Lay with me?” He asked tiredly. I don’t think it was a request. He made room for me and I carefully lay down beside him. He was cold like always. I miss his warmth. The world his so cold without him.

~

Turns out Simon and I both fell asleep in his bed. But when I woke, I wished I was still sleeping.

“What the  _fuck,”_ Simon grumbled as he pushed me out of his bed. I was confused and groggy.

“Simon?”

“What the  _hell_ were you doing in my bed, you creep?” He sounded revolted. I was at a lost for words. I got to my feet and looked at him in confusion. His eyes were wide with rage. “What, feeling guilty for killing me so you thought you’d take advantage of it?” He spat.

“This happened last night with Penny, your memory comes and goes. Simon, I’m your-”

“Your a piece of shit is what you are.” He grimaced, cutting me off and leaving me speechless. I told myself I would just have to wait it out until he regained his memory, but I had a bad feeling deep down inside me. “You’ll be sorry when I’m gone, Baz. I hope you suffer like I do for the rest of your godforsaken life.” He hissed. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I couldn’t comprehend any of this.

Simon through the covers off of himself and swung his legs off the bed. When his feet made contact with the floor, he instantly fell to the floor. I went to help him back up but he moved away from me.

“Don’t fucking touch me.” He growled.

I wish I could say within a few hours, Simon came to his sense and regained his memory and we laughed about this whole ordeal, but he didn’t.

Simon never did regain his memory.

~ 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you feel? I'll tell you how I feel, I'm not looking forward to these last two chapters.   
> It may take me a while to write these last two chapters because they are pretty heavy and I've been busy with school and such.   
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed.


	9. Swelled Up from the Rain Clouds Move like a Wraith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shortest chapter I've probably ever written. Enjoy?

**Baz**

Simon died on a rainy April morning. The flowers were just beginning to bloom outside. It was peaceful when he went.

The weeks leading up to his death weren't so peaceful. He didn’t remember all the things we shared. All the kisses, all the hugs, all the times I spent comforting him. All he remembered was me trying to kill him. I think that’s what hurt me the most. Neither of us got any closure.

However, the morning he passed I knew he was gone before I even tried to wake him. His face was soft and relaxed. It wasn’t hard or tense. I placed a hand on his arm and shook him softly.

“Simon, wake up,” I whispered. He didn’t whine or pull away. He just laid there. Chest still. “Simon?” My voice wavered. I knew he was gone, I just didn’t want to believe it just yet.

I leaned down and placed one final kiss on his forehead before moving the bed sheet over his face. Now I must go face The Mage and tell him the inevitable has finally happened.

Simon Snow is dead.

~

Penny laid on Simon’s bed and cried into his pillows. They smelled like him, but not like the Simon we knew. They smelled like the hopeless, broken Simon. Not the hopeful, radiant Simon that we all knew before the curse.

I sat on my bed, staring into the void, letting the tears fall silently down my face. Penny sat up and faced me, her eyes were red and puffy and her cheeks were blotchy.

“Say something, Baz.” She begged through her sobs. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t trust myself to say anything. I feared my voice would crack and I would end up sobbing like Penny. I didn’t deserve to show my sadness in front of Penny. I did this to Simon. Penny was Simon’s real friend anyway.

“I-I understand if you hate me. I hate myself too. I just want you to know Penelope that I’ll leave Watford, hell I leave the country. You can kill me if you feel like it would make you feel any better.” I started to ramble. Bunce shook her head. I know I sounded ridiculous but I was serious.

“I don’t want you to leave, Baz, and I don’t want to kill you. Simon wouldn’t want that.” She said as she wiped her cheeks. “I know you loved him.” She added. I laughed at that. I wasn’t sure why.

“I did, didn’t I?” I asked incredulously. “I really did love Simon bloody Snow, and I’m the one who fucking killed him. Ironic.” Now I was the one who was sobbing like a teenage girl.

“Baz,” Penny’s words were cut off by a knock on the door. I got up to answer it. It was The Mage, The last person I wanted to see right now.

“Sir.” I greeted. He didn’t enter the room. He just handed me a piece of paper, then left. I expected it to be a message saying I was expelled for killing The Mage’s heir, but instead it was an invitation for Penny and me.

“We’re invited to his funeral,” I said without even looking at Penny.

“Are you going?” She asked.

“Simon told me he didn’t want a funeral,” I replied. It wasn’t an exact answer, but it was enough for now. “I would rather pay my respects alone,” I added.

“Me too.” She agreed. “No one knew him like we did. It should be us that carry on his legacy.” She explained.

“He wouldn’t want us to grieve,” I said. Which was partly a lie. I still remember what he said to me the day he came home from the hospital.  _“Once I die, then you can be entitled.”_  I know he didn’t mean it when he said it then, because he apologized shortly after. But I feel like he meant it now.

“Then I’m not going.” She said defiantly. I nodded.

“Alright me too.”

“For Simon.” She stood up walked towards me. She then wrapped her arms around me, hugging me softly.

“For Simon,” I whispered.

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter left...


	10. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter!!

**Baz**

_*one year later*_

Penny, Simon and I were supposed to graduate this year, but only Penny and I did. Simon was supposed to graduate with us. But he didn’t. Instead of graduating from Watford, he died in Watford. Since Simon died on school grounds, he was buried down in the catacombs.

I remember in our younger years, Simon would follow me down here ad I fed and visited my mother. Now I visit my mother and him. Simon always thought he was so sneaky, that he had outsmarted me. Just because I didn’t acknowledge his presence, doesn’t mean I didn’t know he was there. I always knew he was there, but I didn’t let him know that.

I only visited Simon and my mother’s tomb once a year. The last time I visited Simon was my Leavers Ball night. That was exactly one year ago. It’s easier to sneak into Watford during the Ball. I’ve limited myself to once a year because the new headmistress isn’t very found of the Pitch family. I go by unnoticed on busy nights like this. Another reason is if I visited Simon more than once a year, I may not ever leave.

I was dressed in the same plain black tuxedo with a bouquet of white roses in my arms as always.

“Hello, Simon.” I greeted as I kneeled before his tomb, placing the roses under his plack that read “Simon Snow, the Mage’s Heir” he was so much more than that. I don’t know what to say. What do you say at your dead boyfriend’s tomb? “Penny has moved to the states with her family. Her father landed a job in Chicago.” I stated. Silence filled the tomb. I felt stupid.

“I miss you, Snow.  _Fuck,_  I miss you.” I muttered. “And I know this is all my fault, but I miss you so fucking much, Simon.” It was almost like I was begging for him to forgive me. I didn’t even realize I was crying. I wiped my eyes on the sleeve of my suit.

“You always said you wanted a solution, but you just wanted to be missed.” I started. “You wanted a solution to defeating the humdrum, a solution to my family against The Mage, you wanted to solve everything Simon, but you couldn’t!” I shouted. My sudden outburst surprised myself. I paused to take a moment to breathe before I continued.

“You couldn’t solve everything Simon, but you did get what you wanted. I miss you, Penny misses you, even Niall and Dev miss your stupid little face.” I chuckled slightly. “You are missed, Simon Snow,” I whispered. “And I love you,” I added, wiping my tears and rising to my feet.

“I don’t think allowed to visit you anymore. The new headmistress isn’t very friendly towards my family and had banned the Pitches from Watford.” I explained. “So if this is the last time I do see you, Simon, just know I miss you, I love you and I never wanted any of this to happen.” I shut my eyes to keep my tears at bay. I’ve shed too many tears in front of him.

“Goodbye, Simon Snow, I’ll see you next time,” I whispered. I kissed the tips of my fingers before pressing them to his tomb. I didn’t know if I’d come back, so I wanted to give him one last kiss goodbye. With that, I turned to leave the Catacomb, ignoring the rats scattering as I passed. This school is going to have a major rat problem without me.

Just before as I was about to leave, I heard something behind me, but I didn’t think much of it. My mind has been playing tricks on me lately.

**Simon**

“I’ll be waiting, love.” 

~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what to say honestly. This is the end. I enjoyed writing this story a lot, even though I felt as though I could have done better. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Be sure to check out my other fics if you enjoyed this one! I'll be writing a Stucky short story soon, so if you're into that be on the lookout!
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading!


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